Tag Archives: mental health

Drawing a line and move on.

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Last week has to go down as one of the worst.

On Wednesday I received a letter saying I had to attend court because I was contesting the fine I had been issued for failing to attend jury service.       If that wasn’t bad enough, I had to attend court on Friday.     Yes, just 48 hours notice.    As you can imagine, I went into full blown panic mode at the arrival of the letter.     I wish I had just paid the fine in the first place.      Luckily I have some very good friends who were able to offer some helpful advice.     I thank them with all of my heart.      I made notes about what had happened and why.    I felt I was doing the right thing.

On Thursday I went to the doctors.     It was a scheduled appointment to see how I was getting on since the change of my medication.     I just blubbed my way through the consultant as I told the doctor I had no idea if they were working as with everything going on I was beyond any level of stress I had previously encountered!       She thought that considering I was on such a high dosage of my previous medication that the new one should be upped.      I am now on the middle dose of these pills, and to be honest now I have been on them a few days, I am actually feeling quite good with them.     I am hoping it is a corner turned.

Thursday night, I didn’t sleep at all well.    I felt sick to my stomach all night and it only got worse when I got up!      Hubby took the day off work to support me at court, and I am so glad he did, as I would not have been able to do it by myself.

We parked in the city centre and walked to the court.     I felt terrible.     I found which court room I was in, and then I waited.      Listening to all the cases being heard before mine was horrible.      There were drug addicts, shop lifters, and even a paedophile.       I just felt so horrible.      I felt dirty sitting there with other bad people.     After over 2 hours waiting I was called.    Standing in the dock was frightening to say the least.        The judge was horrible.        He called me an “irresponsible citizen”.   I felt about an inch tall, as he laid into me about how not turning up for jury service was extremely serious.       When I tried to explain I had misread the citation because my medications were being altered, he did not want to listen.       He threatened to increase my fine to £1000, because he was allowed to do so.     He did however after making me sweat, reduce it by half, and allow me to pay it in small amount.       It caught in my throat as I thanked him before leaving the court.      When I got outside, I just burst into tears.   Hubby was really supportive, telling me it was over now.     I just felt like the scum of the earth.     I felt really unworthy.

I don’t think I had taken my failure to go to jury service as such a serious matter as it actually was.   I know it was wrong, and if I had read it properly, I would have definitely have been there.   It was my civic duty.    I have always considered myself to be a community minded person, and would not have deliberately ignored my duty.     It was a genuine mistake.

I spent the rest of the day, feeling like the scum of the earth, because that is what I was made to feel like.     I cried every time I thought about it.    I have replayed every word spoken at me in court so many times.    It was horrible and humiliating.      It was an experience I hope I never repeat.

I am now drawing a line under the whole episode.     I need to move on from it, and not stew and let it upset me for any longer.       I know to use my depression as an excuse for stupidity  doesn’t add up, but the fact is, they are inter locked.

My advice to anyone who receives official looking paperwork, is to read it, re read it, and for good measure, read it again.     Possibly, even get someone else to read it for you too!       I assure you, I wont be making the sort of idiotic mistake again!

I am not a bad person, I’m just a wee bit messed up right now!

Onwards and upwards……

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

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Life has been a bit of a mess recently.     That’s the polite way of saying I have been a total nightmare.

The tablets the doctor had prescribed were making me even stranger than usual – I know that seems hard to believe.       I was having some most peculiar dreams about people and places I knew, that were so vivid and real, that it took me ages every morning to distinguish the reality of the awake world.      These dreams were so eccentric that my sleep pattern was so messed up with me getting very little uninterrupted sleep.     I was therefore physically tired all of the time.     I was also mentally exhausted as my brain was not getting the down time it needed to recharge.    It wasn’t fun for me and I wasn’t fun to be about.    Hubby asked if I had read the leaflet that comes in the box with the tablets, to check the side effects.      I had to admit I had read it when I first started taking them, but that was a couple of years ago, and I was now on a much higher dosage.      I sat down with the mile long piece of paper with microscopic print on to see if my newly found strain of weirdness was related to them.     Not surprisingly, I had every side effect on the common list, most on the sometimes list and even a couple on the rare list.      I came to the conclusion the pills weren’t doing me much good or rather not the good they were aim for!     The doctor had spoken to me when she changed my dose about maybe changing medication, so I knew she would be ok with me starting to wean myself off them.    I did it by myself as I already had an appointment booked with her for a couple of weeks, and there was nothing available sooner.     I became a real snappy cow as I came off them.   It was really weird.    I could feel myself getting stressed and upset with the most minor of things, and yet there was nothing I could do to stop myself reacting badly.          By the time I saw the doctor, she agreed I had done the right thing, and we needed to try something new.       She has prescribed a different drug, and said to give it a few weeks as I would probably feel a little strange on them to start with.      Strange does not begin to describe how I am feeling!      I am sleeping less badly – I can’t say better because my sleeping is still terrible.      I have what only feels like flu like symptoms.     I ache in every joint, and feel totally exhausted.      Reading the screed, they are normal side effects.      I am just hoping the Doctor is correct, and they do settle after just a couple of weeks.      I am back to see her next week, and so it will be reviewed as to if this is the way forward, or to try something else!

The doctor also referred me to a mindfulness’ practitioner.     I have read quite a lot about Mindfulness in the past, and while the idea of it appeals to me, I think that when your head is a mess, trying to sit quietly to clear the clutter from your brain isn’t that easy.    I did however agree to meet with the lady to find out more.      I found it quite liberating to sit and talk about why my head was such a mess, and how juggling so many balls was leaving little or no time for me because of fear of letting other people down.      I will have a few more one on one sessions with her before attending the group classes.      It can’t do any harm anyway, and hopefully some good!

So things were beginning to get back on a less rocky path.      I could identify when I was acting in an odd manner, and even though I couldn’t always do anything about it, awareness is a huge leap forward.       I am hoping these pills I am now taking settle soon, as I feel so rough, but as the doctor told me getting the medication right can be trial and error as there as so many different drugs in the family of medication we are looking at.    Fingers crossed.

Then this morning, my improving mood hit rock bottom.    In the post I received a letter from the sheriffs’ court with a fine of contempt of court.     A few weeks back I had received a citation to attend court as a potential juror.     I wasn’t impressed, but it is my civil duty.    I did however miss read the date on it.  I read it as August when in fact it said April.    I should have attended the court last Monday.     I feel so stupid.     I feel guilty.     I feel I have let my family down as we now have to try to find £400 to pay the fine within the next month.     I am so upset by it.     I know it is done and nothing can change it now, but I just want to cry at how foolish I have been.      With so much going on in my world, I just didn’t read the citation properly.       I am sure in the light of a new day, I will realise being so upset by it isn’t helping, but for now I feel down.     Hubby is now going to have a low key birthday as anything that would have been spent on that will have to go towards the fine.     We will also have to tighten our belt to try and find the rest of the money.

We live and learn.

Time to eat better.

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I have decided that I really have to spend time thinking about me in the whole mess that is going on around me.     I have always been the type of person to put others above myself, it’s just the way I am.     I do however realise that I have to be a little selfish every now and again, for my own mental health.     If I don’t halt the breaks on the downward spiral I so often find myself in, then I will of no use to anyone.      It is therefore not a selfish act to think of myself, but self preservation  and also a less stressed Mummy means everyone else can be dealt with in a calmer manner!

The one thing I have always grabbed to, since a very young age is food.     I can control what I eat, even if I can’t control anything else in my life.      This of course is a dangerous way to think, and it has got a lot of people into trouble with problems with eating disorders.      I know I become obsessive when I diet.      I have spoken before about how my teenage years were spent either having meal replacements, or sticking my fingers down my throat.     It’s horrible when something that is vital to life becomes the enemy.   Society as a whole doesn’t take the issue seriously enough, with the attitude of just eat less and life will be wonderful.      It really isn’t that easy as anyone who has need to drop any amount of weight will tell you.       I find it hard to comprehend how smokers and drug addicts receive more help and support than food addicts.      I was a fat baby, who became a fat toddler, then fat child, then fat adult.      I have tried everything to try to lose weight, but nothing has ever really worked for me to change my attitude towards food, and subsequently all diets have failed.       I worry about D, because as a fatty, he has had a ridiculous about of bullying through school, and in the wider community.     He has an obsessive personality, so I try really hard to not make a big deal about it, for fear he will end up with an eating disorder.     He has visited a dietitian at the children’s hospital.    It was quite scary that her way to try to help a child was to scare him into not eating.     She went through his diet diary, and after accusing me of falsifying it she told him he drank too much milk.      It was a good month later before he would drink it again because in his black and white logic, to be told he drank too much meant he had to stop altogether.

At home I love to cook.   The kitchen is my sanctuary.    I am therefore always on the look out for recipes than sound interesting and are on the healthy side.     Hubby takes the mickey out of me for the amount of pieces of paper I have which have either been torn out of magazines or I have written down.    He would be horrified if he could see all those I have pinned on Pintrest!!

Several friends of mine do Slimming World, with varying degrees of success, so I decided to have a look at the sort of recipes that they deemed suitable.     I was amazed at some of the lovely things available.      I had done Weight Watchers, but found it wasn’t for me, and I spent half my time with looking up points values of everything I ate.      It works for a lot of people, but just wasn’t for me.     I had a look at the Slimming World website, but to be honest, I couldn’t justify the expense at the moment.     Also I have such low self-image I know I would become too obsessed if I joined a class – my fear of failure would work against me and it just wouldn’t be enjoyable.        I have therefore got the basic principles about what their philosophy is, and we are going to follow those to see how it goes.      If after a while, I feel it is a good idea, then I might consider the cost of support.      Watch this space!

Last week, I decided to try out some of their recipes.    I didn’t tell anyone about it at this stage, as I was still trying to see if it was something I could do.      Every evening, we had a recipe I had found that was deemed Slimming World friendly.      M sneered at everything he was served, but that is not unusual when he is presented with new food.     When he tried it, he was happy with the offerings.      He is more than happy to offer his constructive criticism of everything I serve!      Hubby was most impressed on the night I served him a steak!

Hubby is on board, but a little half heartedly when we saw how he had to restrict the amount of mocha he drank!     I am not going to force it, as I know from experience, that you have to be in the right state of mind to make this work.

I sat down with D, who loves spending time in the kitchen – he has said if being a gamer doesn’t work out, he wouldn’t mind being a chef, and said I had some great recipes.       We talked about how they were all healthier recipes, and therefore they would help us get fitter and healthier.      I told him we could enjoy some good food at the same time as eating better.   His response?     “If we are good now, we wont feel guilty about eating gelato in Italy!”       He had a very good point!

Like starting any new eating regime, it takes a while to get into.    Last week however, with only dipping my toe into what it was all about, I managed to lose 4lbs, so I was mega excited.    I have menu planned for this week, but with the kids off school for the mid-term break Thursday and Friday, it might not be followed 100%.

I will keep you informed as to how it is going, and if I find any really interesting recipes I will be letting you know.

For now, I am feeling more positive than I have in a very long time.     I am taking control again, and that has to be a huge step in the right direction.