Tag Archives: ME time

Drawing a line and move on.

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Last week has to go down as one of the worst.

On Wednesday I received a letter saying I had to attend court because I was contesting the fine I had been issued for failing to attend jury service.       If that wasn’t bad enough, I had to attend court on Friday.     Yes, just 48 hours notice.    As you can imagine, I went into full blown panic mode at the arrival of the letter.     I wish I had just paid the fine in the first place.      Luckily I have some very good friends who were able to offer some helpful advice.     I thank them with all of my heart.      I made notes about what had happened and why.    I felt I was doing the right thing.

On Thursday I went to the doctors.     It was a scheduled appointment to see how I was getting on since the change of my medication.     I just blubbed my way through the consultant as I told the doctor I had no idea if they were working as with everything going on I was beyond any level of stress I had previously encountered!       She thought that considering I was on such a high dosage of my previous medication that the new one should be upped.      I am now on the middle dose of these pills, and to be honest now I have been on them a few days, I am actually feeling quite good with them.     I am hoping it is a corner turned.

Thursday night, I didn’t sleep at all well.    I felt sick to my stomach all night and it only got worse when I got up!      Hubby took the day off work to support me at court, and I am so glad he did, as I would not have been able to do it by myself.

We parked in the city centre and walked to the court.     I felt terrible.     I found which court room I was in, and then I waited.      Listening to all the cases being heard before mine was horrible.      There were drug addicts, shop lifters, and even a paedophile.       I just felt so horrible.      I felt dirty sitting there with other bad people.     After over 2 hours waiting I was called.    Standing in the dock was frightening to say the least.        The judge was horrible.        He called me an “irresponsible citizen”.   I felt about an inch tall, as he laid into me about how not turning up for jury service was extremely serious.       When I tried to explain I had misread the citation because my medications were being altered, he did not want to listen.       He threatened to increase my fine to £1000, because he was allowed to do so.     He did however after making me sweat, reduce it by half, and allow me to pay it in small amount.       It caught in my throat as I thanked him before leaving the court.      When I got outside, I just burst into tears.   Hubby was really supportive, telling me it was over now.     I just felt like the scum of the earth.     I felt really unworthy.

I don’t think I had taken my failure to go to jury service as such a serious matter as it actually was.   I know it was wrong, and if I had read it properly, I would have definitely have been there.   It was my civic duty.    I have always considered myself to be a community minded person, and would not have deliberately ignored my duty.     It was a genuine mistake.

I spent the rest of the day, feeling like the scum of the earth, because that is what I was made to feel like.     I cried every time I thought about it.    I have replayed every word spoken at me in court so many times.    It was horrible and humiliating.      It was an experience I hope I never repeat.

I am now drawing a line under the whole episode.     I need to move on from it, and not stew and let it upset me for any longer.       I know to use my depression as an excuse for stupidity  doesn’t add up, but the fact is, they are inter locked.

My advice to anyone who receives official looking paperwork, is to read it, re read it, and for good measure, read it again.     Possibly, even get someone else to read it for you too!       I assure you, I wont be making the sort of idiotic mistake again!

I am not a bad person, I’m just a wee bit messed up right now!

Onwards and upwards……

Old Person

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My Mums health seems to have not fully recovered since her spell in hospital a couple of months back.      She seems extremely lack lustre, and to be honest just not quite herself.

While she was in hospital, they did change some of her medications and she was a little confused by what they had removed and why.    I therefore took her to the GP surgery to talk to a doctor to go through what was different for her.        He was quite detailed going through the changes with her – I attend her appointments as she tends to get a little confused, and explaining to her why there had been changed.      He also suggested she had another set of blood tests to see that the infection which had caused her hospitalization was totally clear from her system.     A few days later she received a phone call to say everything was clear, but suggesting she received a Vitamin B12 injection to try to boost her.        She had this done a few days later.       The days following the injection, she said she felt really tired, totally the opposite effect that was meant to be achieved.    The strange thing is, that when I was given these injections, they just made me feel washed out, something the doctor refuted was possible!      She is due back for anther blood test next week, to see what, if anything has been achieved with the injection what it was intended for.     We will see what the doctor suggests after that.

She definitely seems down since her stint in hospital.    She is happy to sit and do nothing.    Even more than before.     She hasn’t even offered to do any ironing, something that was her job in the house – done sitting down.     She has made no notion to even mention it.      She sits hour after hour watching 30 year old games shows, and doing the puzzles in her magazine.   At least these are tasks that engage her brain, which is still fairly sharp.

Before Christmas, the social worker managed to persuade her to have a visit to the day care centre.      I have been trying for years to make her go out of the house and interact with other humans but to no avail.    I took her down for a visit and she agreed to go once a space was available.      There was then quite a wait, and we were into February before she was offered a day.    When her first day arrived, she reluctantly let me take her to the car.     It was plainly obvious that she didn’t want to go, but I was desperate for a break, so was determined she would at least give it a go.      I dropped her off, and took a huge sigh of relief!       It was very odd not having her about, but I was able to get on without constantly stopping to make her cuppas!          When I went to pick her up, we hadn’t even got to the car before she was moaning.      The people, the food – not the quality but the quantity, as they were fed most of the day!       She did however say the staff were lovely,  but she wouldn’t want to do it too often.        The following week, she had appointments that had been made before she was offered the place, so did not attend.     The next week when I said it was time to go, she looked at me blankly as if she had forgotten about it – the type of overacting the kids do when they are trying to get out of something.       She did go, but moaned the whole way!         When she came out, she said there was nothing the following week because of holidays – I thought this a bit strange but had no point of reference to refute it.       There was of course a phone call asking why she hadn’t attended and we were told she would be charged anyway!    Last week she was much more resolved in the fact she was going.       I imagine it was with the kids off she wanted some peace and quiet.     She says she isn’t really enjoying it, but then talks about the things they do in a fairly positive way.      At her age, if she out and out said she really didn’t want to do it, then I would have no choice but to contact them and say she wasn’t going anymore.  However she moans about it, but hasn’t said she doesn’t want to go, so I will keep taking her down.      I think mixing with other people has to be good for her.     It saves her from stagnating at home.    On a selfish level, a few hours each week knowing someone else is looking after her is a huge load off my plate.    I may get to the stage where I stop feeling guilty and find some me time in there!

On the whole, her eating is also getting worse.    She has never been a big eater, instead preferring to graze when she is hungry.    I respect that, but when she keeps saying she doesn’t want anything it is rather worrying.    She is no ;onger able to get around the kitchen so I have to prepare all she eats.    She argues that sitting down all day means she is loosing little energy and so she doesn’t need much.      I give her tiny potions at meal times, and she will still try to palm off half her plateful onto the boys, or wrap it in a tissue – thinking we cant see it happen, and throw it away later.      I am worried she isn’t getting enough nutrients, and so I get her enhanced cereals so at least at breakfast time she’s  getting a boost.

It is really hard to know what to do for the best for her.    She is pain with her hip, which makes walking nearly impossible.    Her shoulders have deteriorated because of the strain of using the zimmer frame to drag herself about.      I really don’t know what we will do when she can no longer lean on it.     Our house does not have space to make her a downstairs bedroom as we have open plan living and dining room.     I would hate to be thinking that at that stage we would need to be putting her into a home.     I know the boys wind her up, but am sure that they actually keep her going and to suddenly go to the loneliness of an old folks home would literally kill her.

For now we plod on.      We put up with her mood swings and her often childish behaviour.      I think if I am lucky enough to reach her age, then I want to be entitled to act child like if I want to.     I have said having her, is like having an extra child, but its more than that, as I have to remember she is my Mum and as such deserves the respect that comes with it.      It is a fine line to walk between letting her off with her behaviour because of her age, but also not letting her believe she can treat the boys based on out dated parenting ideals.      D baiting is probably one of her favourite hobbies!     While Granny baiting is one of his!

She is my Mum, and as such I love her, even if some days she makes me want to scream and yell, both at her and about her!      I worry about her, as her physical health deteriorates.       Every day adds new problems she has to face with just getting about, and as I am closest, I am the one who feels the flack from her.      There is nobody else she can take it out on.    It is not fair but I understand.

 

 

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

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Life has been a bit of a mess recently.     That’s the polite way of saying I have been a total nightmare.

The tablets the doctor had prescribed were making me even stranger than usual – I know that seems hard to believe.       I was having some most peculiar dreams about people and places I knew, that were so vivid and real, that it took me ages every morning to distinguish the reality of the awake world.      These dreams were so eccentric that my sleep pattern was so messed up with me getting very little uninterrupted sleep.     I was therefore physically tired all of the time.     I was also mentally exhausted as my brain was not getting the down time it needed to recharge.    It wasn’t fun for me and I wasn’t fun to be about.    Hubby asked if I had read the leaflet that comes in the box with the tablets, to check the side effects.      I had to admit I had read it when I first started taking them, but that was a couple of years ago, and I was now on a much higher dosage.      I sat down with the mile long piece of paper with microscopic print on to see if my newly found strain of weirdness was related to them.     Not surprisingly, I had every side effect on the common list, most on the sometimes list and even a couple on the rare list.      I came to the conclusion the pills weren’t doing me much good or rather not the good they were aim for!     The doctor had spoken to me when she changed my dose about maybe changing medication, so I knew she would be ok with me starting to wean myself off them.    I did it by myself as I already had an appointment booked with her for a couple of weeks, and there was nothing available sooner.     I became a real snappy cow as I came off them.   It was really weird.    I could feel myself getting stressed and upset with the most minor of things, and yet there was nothing I could do to stop myself reacting badly.          By the time I saw the doctor, she agreed I had done the right thing, and we needed to try something new.       She has prescribed a different drug, and said to give it a few weeks as I would probably feel a little strange on them to start with.      Strange does not begin to describe how I am feeling!      I am sleeping less badly – I can’t say better because my sleeping is still terrible.      I have what only feels like flu like symptoms.     I ache in every joint, and feel totally exhausted.      Reading the screed, they are normal side effects.      I am just hoping the Doctor is correct, and they do settle after just a couple of weeks.      I am back to see her next week, and so it will be reviewed as to if this is the way forward, or to try something else!

The doctor also referred me to a mindfulness’ practitioner.     I have read quite a lot about Mindfulness in the past, and while the idea of it appeals to me, I think that when your head is a mess, trying to sit quietly to clear the clutter from your brain isn’t that easy.    I did however agree to meet with the lady to find out more.      I found it quite liberating to sit and talk about why my head was such a mess, and how juggling so many balls was leaving little or no time for me because of fear of letting other people down.      I will have a few more one on one sessions with her before attending the group classes.      It can’t do any harm anyway, and hopefully some good!

So things were beginning to get back on a less rocky path.      I could identify when I was acting in an odd manner, and even though I couldn’t always do anything about it, awareness is a huge leap forward.       I am hoping these pills I am now taking settle soon, as I feel so rough, but as the doctor told me getting the medication right can be trial and error as there as so many different drugs in the family of medication we are looking at.    Fingers crossed.

Then this morning, my improving mood hit rock bottom.    In the post I received a letter from the sheriffs’ court with a fine of contempt of court.     A few weeks back I had received a citation to attend court as a potential juror.     I wasn’t impressed, but it is my civil duty.    I did however miss read the date on it.  I read it as August when in fact it said April.    I should have attended the court last Monday.     I feel so stupid.     I feel guilty.     I feel I have let my family down as we now have to try to find £400 to pay the fine within the next month.     I am so upset by it.     I know it is done and nothing can change it now, but I just want to cry at how foolish I have been.      With so much going on in my world, I just didn’t read the citation properly.       I am sure in the light of a new day, I will realise being so upset by it isn’t helping, but for now I feel down.     Hubby is now going to have a low key birthday as anything that would have been spent on that will have to go towards the fine.     We will also have to tighten our belt to try and find the rest of the money.

We live and learn.