Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

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Life has been a bit of a mess recently.     That’s the polite way of saying I have been a total nightmare.

The tablets the doctor had prescribed were making me even stranger than usual – I know that seems hard to believe.       I was having some most peculiar dreams about people and places I knew, that were so vivid and real, that it took me ages every morning to distinguish the reality of the awake world.      These dreams were so eccentric that my sleep pattern was so messed up with me getting very little uninterrupted sleep.     I was therefore physically tired all of the time.     I was also mentally exhausted as my brain was not getting the down time it needed to recharge.    It wasn’t fun for me and I wasn’t fun to be about.    Hubby asked if I had read the leaflet that comes in the box with the tablets, to check the side effects.      I had to admit I had read it when I first started taking them, but that was a couple of years ago, and I was now on a much higher dosage.      I sat down with the mile long piece of paper with microscopic print on to see if my newly found strain of weirdness was related to them.     Not surprisingly, I had every side effect on the common list, most on the sometimes list and even a couple on the rare list.      I came to the conclusion the pills weren’t doing me much good or rather not the good they were aim for!     The doctor had spoken to me when she changed my dose about maybe changing medication, so I knew she would be ok with me starting to wean myself off them.    I did it by myself as I already had an appointment booked with her for a couple of weeks, and there was nothing available sooner.     I became a real snappy cow as I came off them.   It was really weird.    I could feel myself getting stressed and upset with the most minor of things, and yet there was nothing I could do to stop myself reacting badly.          By the time I saw the doctor, she agreed I had done the right thing, and we needed to try something new.       She has prescribed a different drug, and said to give it a few weeks as I would probably feel a little strange on them to start with.      Strange does not begin to describe how I am feeling!      I am sleeping less badly – I can’t say better because my sleeping is still terrible.      I have what only feels like flu like symptoms.     I ache in every joint, and feel totally exhausted.      Reading the screed, they are normal side effects.      I am just hoping the Doctor is correct, and they do settle after just a couple of weeks.      I am back to see her next week, and so it will be reviewed as to if this is the way forward, or to try something else!

The doctor also referred me to a mindfulness’ practitioner.     I have read quite a lot about Mindfulness in the past, and while the idea of it appeals to me, I think that when your head is a mess, trying to sit quietly to clear the clutter from your brain isn’t that easy.    I did however agree to meet with the lady to find out more.      I found it quite liberating to sit and talk about why my head was such a mess, and how juggling so many balls was leaving little or no time for me because of fear of letting other people down.      I will have a few more one on one sessions with her before attending the group classes.      It can’t do any harm anyway, and hopefully some good!

So things were beginning to get back on a less rocky path.      I could identify when I was acting in an odd manner, and even though I couldn’t always do anything about it, awareness is a huge leap forward.       I am hoping these pills I am now taking settle soon, as I feel so rough, but as the doctor told me getting the medication right can be trial and error as there as so many different drugs in the family of medication we are looking at.    Fingers crossed.

Then this morning, my improving mood hit rock bottom.    In the post I received a letter from the sheriffs’ court with a fine of contempt of court.     A few weeks back I had received a citation to attend court as a potential juror.     I wasn’t impressed, but it is my civil duty.    I did however miss read the date on it.  I read it as August when in fact it said April.    I should have attended the court last Monday.     I feel so stupid.     I feel guilty.     I feel I have let my family down as we now have to try to find £400 to pay the fine within the next month.     I am so upset by it.     I know it is done and nothing can change it now, but I just want to cry at how foolish I have been.      With so much going on in my world, I just didn’t read the citation properly.       I am sure in the light of a new day, I will realise being so upset by it isn’t helping, but for now I feel down.     Hubby is now going to have a low key birthday as anything that would have been spent on that will have to go towards the fine.     We will also have to tighten our belt to try and find the rest of the money.

We live and learn.

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