As parents you must have so many faces you hide behind. We don’t want our kids to see whats bubbling below the surface as you tell them everything is going to be alright. As a carer, the happy positive face has to be there no matter what. You have to be seen to be in the positive frame of mind at all times.
Well, its impossible to be in that place for real, all of the time. It becomes a mask that you put on when you are dealing with people, as you don’t want them to feel down. You are their guide to positivity. The mask is also a prison that is suffocating.
Some times it all gets too much. Some times, you just want to walk away. Some times all I want to do is find a corner to hide away and cry. I feel I have nothing left to give without loosing total control.
I’m at the point at the moment where no amount of coffee drinking will make this feel better.
I totally exploded at Hubby the other evening as I could take no more, of Old Person, constantly baiting the children and moaning. The boys at each other constantly, and then screaming the house down when told to stop. And Hubby, thinking I will wait on him hand and foot despite him being home from work for almost six months. I had gone beyond my limit. I screamed at the lot of them. I told them I was fed up with being treated like something they had trodden on that smelled bad. I told them I could take no more of being nothing to any of them, apart from cook and bum wiper.
I then left them to it as I went to the kitchen to cry. I couldn’t stop crying, but all the time, all I could hear was them blaming the other for my outburst. Not one of them was responsible for me getting to the point that I needed to vent. It was a series of events that all mounted up until I could take no more, and I had to say something.
I don’t blame them for their lack of compassion in my direction, after all they all have their own problems. I would however just once in a while like to remember who Jane is. I love being wife. I love being daughter. I really love being mother. I do however not remember who I am very often.
Hubby has had a terrible few months with health problems, but is pretty much on an even keel now, and hopefully returning to work soon. The time he has been off has made me realise how I am not looking forward to when he retires, as he makes more mess in the house than the children, and only notices the housework when I haven’t got around to doing it – and he has a lovely way of making me feel guilty for not doing everything at once!
Old person has had a horrible year. The mental strain it has all had on her must have been terrible. She went from someone who chose never to leave the house unless I took her, to someone who now relies on me to do basic things for her. The sudden change of her physical health must have had an effect on her state of mind. However being totally selfish, I didn’t choose to have to parent my mother. I don’t take pleasure in emptying her commode every morning, but I do it because she deserves to feel comfortable in her own home.
M is having a horrible time at school with bullies that know which buttons to press to get him to react, and of course get caught reacting so he gets into trouble. He is extremely clingy at the moment to the point of trying to sleep in our bed each night – it leads to a very broken sleep for me, between trying to return him to his bed, or giving in, and being wedged against the bedside cabinet. He’s not in a good place, and I am sure his school work is suffering as a result of is emotional problems. He is frightened of everything at the moment. It’s a hard time for my eldest baby.
D has also being having problems at school. He is an easy target for bullies, and it is sad to say, he has got so used to it happening that he accepts it as the norm these days. However, his best friend has been really unwell recently and has missed a lot of school, and his absence has deeply effected D. He is generally at a low ebb, with the slightest thing setting him on the road of verbal and physical abuse to everyone around. With Hubby being unwell, he’s not coping too well with D’s behaviour, so it seems I am dealing with it, or trying to alone. I know he lashes out because he needs a release – sometimes I wish he flapped like M, but it hurts so much every time he tells me how much he hates me and how he wishes I wasn’t his Mum. When he calms down and kisses and cuddles, it hard to know how to handle the extremes of his emotional swing. Life must be so difficult for him having to be what he knows is expected of him in public so he lives life as a pressure cooker needing to explode.
So the last person in the equation is me. I feel guilty for feeling bad about caring for the four people I love most in the world. Some time though I just feel lost in my role of carer. I don’t know who I am. I don’t watch things on the telly that I have to get into anymore, because I feel what’s the point when the boys will come in and change to their channels, or Hubby will put on sport. I gave up on all the soaps I used to be addicted to years ago – apart from Doctors but that on at lunchtime, but even that I watch while doing other things. I feel so lost in what I do for others that I don’t know what I would do with time for me, even if I had it. It kind of has become a vicious circle between wanting down time, and the guilt should I even take 5 minutes to myself.
So I’m having a moan in the hopes it will be like putting antiseptic on the wound. I don’t want to actually talk to anyone about this, I don’t want to drink coffee with friends in the hopes that life will be better after a caramel latte. I just want to wallow in self-pity for a moment. I think I deserve this self-absorbed moment.
I now need to breathe deeply and get back to looking after everyone because it’s not possible they could open their eyes and see the remote sat on the coffee table, or put their dirty plates into the dishwasher.
Thanks for listening to me moan. I feel better letting it out!