The big 500.

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This is my 500th post as ASD Mummy with Issues.

I want to use it to say thank you to anyone who spends their time reading my ramblings.   I know my grammar is appalling,  my spelling is hilarious – thank goodness for spell checker, and my writing is not thought out or planned, it is pure waffle.    I am chatting to my friends in the school playground when I write, so it is written as I would talk.   I’m not someone who is wanting to be the next #1 best seller, so don’t expect anything more than this is.

For those that don’t know, I started blogging because I had hit rock bottom.    Everything in my world seemed to be caving in on me, and I saw only darkness.    I functioned daily, but only because I had to.   Most days it would have been easier to hide under the duvet and ignore the world, but my kids needed me, and so I would put on the front of getting on with life.    I finally realised I couldn’t go on like I was.   Something was going to snap.    I went to my GP who was brilliant, but not able to really help.   She referred me to talk to someone but the waiting list was ridiculous and I was told it would be about 18 months before I actually got to see someone.   I knew I would be in a padded cell by then, so I needed an out let.      Someone suggested I wrote down things that were making me feel the way I did.     And so my previous blog was born.    I was such a mess and so angry and frustrated with the world that it was horrible.     But it did help.    I said goodbye to this blog as it wasn’t really who I was or wanted to be.   I need to think positively,  and not focus on the bad things.   Then this came.    I still say things without thinking and get pulled up for them,  but I always say this is about how I feel about things, and it is purely my strange take on an even stranger existence.    I am an expert on nothing, but I am a Mum who would give her life for her kids, and their well being comes above all else.    It has helped.    I can honestly say writing down how I feel about things and how they have effected me and those around me has been a great way to organise my thoughts so I don’t let things push me back to the darkness.     I would recommend it to anyone who wants to get things out of their head, just keep a diary or blog.   It has made the world of difference to me.   I am not saying the darkness isn’t lurking in the background a lot of the time, but being here keeps the lights on and allows me to think a little less irrationality.

I am truly humbled that anyone would spend their time with me.    It is lovely when someone says they understand a situation or circumstance I talk about.   I don’t feel so alone in my mess.    I have sometimes felt almost embarrassed that my screwed up take on the world has been there for someone else.

It kind of feels apt to be talking about my mental problems during a week that has been about raising awareness of suicide prevention .     Nobody knows what anyone else is going through,  and I think we all need to respect everyone deals with situations differently.    Just because you handle something positively doesn’t mean the next person will.   We need to learn to stop and think before we tell some one to buck up and smile.   It’s not always that easy.    Sometimes a reassuring smile says so much more than words, or being an ear to listen – and I mean listen not turn it around to try to put your slant on it.     Sometimes it’s knowing when to shut up, sometimes it’s knowing when to talk.      Sometimes it’s about just stepping back and being there at a distance.     Often for me it has been a cup of coffee and a gossip about everything other than what is really the problem to bring me back.      I would say if you are in a dark place seek help.    I found comfort here, I was lucky I wasn’t too far down the tunnel, but it’s not always this easy.      Everyone is different and isn’t that what makes us all beautiful?

Thanks for reading,  I really do appreciate every one of you.

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