Selfish feeling.

Standard

I am feeling rather put upon and fed up at the moment. I then feel so guilty that I should feel this way.

This all came about with my Mums problems. As I have spoken about before, she has been through a bad time recently – https://jas2jar.wordpress.com/2014/10/15/hospital-at-last/ This has taken its toll on the whole family, as we have almost had to cancel our holiday, as the hospital were adamant she should go home, and I was determined she was not! I won, and we got away.

The bottom line is that after much deliberation, the surgeon has decided he is not prepared to operate as her chances of surviving the op to realign her hip are far too low at 1 in 3. He is not prepared to take the risk, and I can understand why, but she is entitled to a quality of life. They have given her some very strong pain killers, which don’t seem to be quite hitting the mark with her pain, but make her quite dopey for about an hour after each dose. They want her to give it a go to see if they kick in before reviewing them, but I am not too sure, and neither is she that they are the right drugs. They have also given her some intense physio sessions to try to teach her how to walk with a dodgy hip! I am still waiting for them to get in touch about continuing her treatment, as giving her a huge pamphlet of exercises isn’t really enough to help her gain movement and confidence.    I will give it another day before making phone calls.

Since getting her home on Saturday, I have realised how poorly she actually is. Getting her up the stairs to her bedroom is a major mission every night. She can’t actually lift her leg high enough to make the step, and so I am having to lift her foot for her to help. It is just as bad coming down, and in fact more dangerous, as I am spotting her from in front, so if she fell, she would probably take us both out!

I am feeling totally selfish about whats going on in my head about all that is going on in our household. When you become a parent, you lose some of your personal identity as you grow the new caring persona, and as a parent of additional needs children, you are happy to forget about some of yourself as you fight for the rights of your children to get on in life, but when you become the sole carer for your parent, it feels wrong. Nobody has asked me if I am prepared to give up the little spare time I have to run around after someone who can’t do anything for herself. It is just expected that I will do it, and being my Mum, of course I will, but I feel I want to cry a lot at the moment as I see the next ten years of my life continuing the way the past few days have. It is a horrible prospect, but the guilt I feel for feeling this way is so much worse. It is something I have no choice in, and that I think is what scares me. I really don’t want to end up resenting my Mum, but fear if I have to put too much cream on her bum I just might.

I am waiting for occupational therapy to come and look at the house and see what we need to do to make life easier for her, but it the mean time, she can just about shuffle to the loo and back. I am also researching any help I can get as I have been offered no guidance as to what I should be doing to help her.

The attitudes of send her home to cope as she is mentally commandant, is understandable but no thought has been given to the impact of her mental health as she gets frustrated by her lack of movement. To be told she will eventually be in a wheel chair doesn’t really help her believe she needs to try either.   Also no thought has been given to 2 ASD boys who have to at times play second fiddle to their Grandmother.

I am presently concerned and confused by the path we are on. I know as we develop ways of doing things life will get easier, but right now, things are so gloomy I just want to cry some more.

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5 responses »

  1. I can’t bring myself to “like” this post because it’s so painfully obvious what a bad spot you’re in. All that frustration and oncoming resentment you’re feeling is totally reasonable. Caregiving is always hard, especially when it drags on and on, but your particular situation sounds even more painful that most. I hope writing it out helps a little, and please know I’m thinking of you. -Amy

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