Self Pity or self preservation.


As we come to the end of the second week my Mum has been in bed, I am starting to feel weary. I have therefore decided to take some time out today. Well, by time out, I mean, some down time, in between running cups of tea up the stairs!

She is brighter in herself which is a positive. Her abscess has healed well, and they are happy with the progress on that. She has had the nurse out every day to change the dressing, and today is the last day of her antibiotics, so hopefully that part of her problems should be over – for now at least, as they have warned her that there is a strong possibility of it recurring due to the medications she takes. She was also given her flu jab this morning, so that should help protect her from any bugs.   Her problem is still her hip. She is in agony if she tries to put any weight on it. The other day, the nurse that came in was the boss nurse, and she wasn’t impressed with her condition so decided to get the physio involved. The physio came out yesterday, and gave Old Person a Zimmer. That’s all well and good if she had the strength in her arms to use it! The positive is that the physio believes it is more than just muscle strain from being manipulated during surgery, which is what the GP had written it off as. She says she will talk to the surgery and recommend they contact the orthopedic consult with urgency to see if they can get her realignment sooner rather than later. At last people are looking at joined up thinking. I just hope they have the conversation before the weekend, otherwise goodness knows when anything will be actioned. For now though, I will keep making the tea, and trying to persuade her that she still needs to eat.

My other worry just now is D. He is so low. I would almost say it is as if he is depressed. Its been going on a couple of weeks, that he’s just been out of sorts, and extremely volatile. He had been having a little trouble at school in the playground with one child, who has bullied him in the past, and it looked like it was recurring. When this child was playing with his group, he would remove himself, and then his friends thought he was being off with them. He was also being told who he could and couldn’t play with, which for a child with a small circle was hard. I spoke with his teacher who said she would talk with the class about playing nicely together – something I believe all children need reminding about on a regular basis, about 20 times a day in this household is the average! He then started being very angry all the time. Something that is just a regular part of his aspergers, but something that had been quite under control – maybe not the right word, recently. He would come home from school and just let rip over the slightest thing, usually these episodes are just a case of making sure he is safe, and can’t come to harm, or cause harm to anyone else – although my bruises do say I often don’t keep far enough back! One evening I was sitting with him on his bed, and he just blurted out that he was rubbish at everything. I wasn’t shocked to hear this as he is such a perfectionist that if he isn’t brilliant at what he does, he views it as a failure. I talked to him about all the things he was really good at – he teacher praises his academic ability, but nothing was shifting his mood. He said that everyone in life had something they shone at but he had nothing. It was heart breaking to hear him put himself down like that, but I know that however much I try to convince him otherwise, he has to want to come out of the black hole he digs for himself. The next day I spoke with his teacher, who while she is accepting of his problems, has never really seen evidence of them, and so I think sometimes has problems imagining the child I describe when compared to the little studious angel she knows. She was horrified, by what I was saying, but gave a possible explanation to his believe he had no abilities. In class they had decided to do a talent show at the end of term – next week, and she had told them they could do anything they liked, from singing, to reading, to talking about their favourite thing. The thought of this would petrify a lot of kids I would think, but for a young man who has to be the best, the thought of standing up in front of his class must have totally got to him. The teacher once again said she would tell them all that they can do anything, and if D wants to stand up and talk about Doctor Who or Star Wars that’s fine – she says he’s her regular expert on both subjects, but if they didn’t want to take part, that was alright too – I can see D thinking pulling out of it would be worse than failing, as well she would need judges – maybe this is D’s worry, to be judged by his peers. At least this conversation cast a little light on some of the weight on his shoulders. Of course when I spoke to him about it, he says he’s more than happy to be part of it, but I’m not convinced! Last night though, it all reached a totally new level. After the usual refusal to go to bed, and being frog marched up the stairs, and me being shouted out to never get in his sight again, I eventually persuaded him to get into his bed – by threatening him if he didn’t he would lose his I-pad for a day. He lay there with his head pushed firmly into his pillow, which of course I told him he shouldn’t be doing. His response was shocking, when he told me that if he did it for long enough he would stop breathing! I told him that wasn’t a good idea, as a lot of people loved him very much, but then he adds that his brain keeps telling him that he’s a bad person inside. Now, I usually try to stay calm and rational during these episodes, so as not to fuel his emotions, but I couldn’t help myself, I just burst into tears at this. D might be a stubborn, sometimes angry wee man, but he has a heart of gold. He would share his lunch with another child if they had nothing, he has given away money taken to school for toy fairs etc, to other kids who had forgotten, he knows and uses his manners. He is a delightful child – when his ASD is in check, so this statement from him just got to me. I stayed with him until he was asleep, as I didn’t want to leave him, and a couple of times in the night I went through to check on him. This morning he was all jolly and bright. I do wonder if he even remembers his episode from yesterday, but I daren’t bring it up as I don’t want him to start thinking about it! It is a case of monitoring his behaviour and hoping it is just a glitch on what has been quite a good few months for him.

So, maybe you can see why I’m feeling so sorry for myself today. I’m tired, and worried. I have therefore decided to have some sit down time today. I think I need it. I have a big mug of coffee, and some digestives – sod the diet, I need biscuits! On one hand I think I am wallowing in self-pity, but on the other, I know some time sitting at the computer, entering a few competitions, and doing something just for me, might preserve the tiny bit of sanity I have left!!


2 responses »

  1. That all sounds really hard. With your mum – draining and sad for her. I hope that she does get her hip looked at soon, I hope that will make a real different.

    When it is your little boy and he can’t get himself out of that negative rut, that is even worse. I do think if it’s difficult at school, children can get angry at home, especially for children like ours, who are perfectionist and tend to see things as their own fault. Being told who they can or can’t play with is never acceptable and I’m glad the school has had a word.

  2. Pingback: Ready for the end of term. | ASD Mummy with issues.

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