Goodbye 2013

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As with many people, today is a day for reflection on another busy year.

I was going to talk about all that has happened in the boys world during the past 12 months, but Hubby was up before me this morning – in my defence I was up with a poorly M in the night, and he has written a piece on his blog summing up all they have done.   It seems silly to repeat it all, so if you haven’t read it with him, then here it is – https://jas2jar.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/an-up-and-down-asd-year/

I am therefore sitting here with the dregs of the Quality Street tin – its only ever the orange chocolate crunch left by this time, and am thinking about what I have achieved in the last 12 months.

A year ago, I was coming to the end of a horrible couple of year.    I had hit rock bottom, and with the help of my wonderful Hubby – don’t tell him I called him that, I decided I need to find a way to lock away the darkness from trying to take over my world.       My GP had suggested counselling, but the waiting list was so long, that I would probably have been in my cross armed jacket in my padded room by the time I got seen.       I am not good at talking about my problems with people I care about, so although friends offered coffee and a chat on regular basis, opening up never seemed to be something I was comfortable with, the thought of burdening someone else with my problems just never came into focus for me, I am the shoulder others use when they need one, and not the one asking for somebody elses.       I read a few blogs from people within the autism community, which I found helpful at realising we weren’t alone with many of the issues most families with neuro-typical children don’t face.       It was while reading one of these, I wondered if I should maybe write down how I was feeling and how it effected those around me.    My blog was born.

I had a lot of anger to let out when I started writing, and I soon got into trouble with the school because I recounted things as I saw them, and how they effected my family.    Lets just say, I wasn’t the most tactful in my execution of this, and I was called to the school and told in no uncertain terms to tone it down as teachers were afraid to go near my children for fear of what I might say about them!     Thinking about it now, it is laughable, but at the time, I was still very delicate, and it destroyed me for a while.     I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything, and I closed down.    The last thing I had wanted to do was make trouble, and especially not if it was going to effect my children.     I deleted the blog and all of its contents, even though I believed I had said nothing that was untrue.    Everything I had written was about how situations made me feel, and how that then effected my actions.

After a short time, I decided, writing had been good for me.   I might never be able to pour my feelings out face to face, but to think about them, and organise them helped to deal with situations and draw a line under many things.     I thought I must do  what is best for me.     I came back a little bit softer.

My writing has never been about anything but me, and every day when I look and see that so many people have taken a look at what is happening in our little world, I am totally humbled.      I write like I am just chatting, and I am sure my old English teacher – Miss Harvey, would have a fit at my poor grammar, and if it wasn’t for spell checker, my screen would be covered in red ink!        I thank everyone who has come by and read what I put out in the public forum.     To those that have taken the time to comment and give me feedback, I really appreciate it.      I am not here to give advice or act as an expert on anything I talk about, but instead, I talk about how we muddled through and if it worked or not for us.   If you find anything I say helpful, then that really does make me feel warm and fuzzy inside that I might have been able to help in any way, but I am only the expert on my two little ASDers, and no others.

I want to wish everyone a happy Hogmanay.   If you are partying, then please stay safe and let someone else do the driving, both tonight and in the morning.

I hope 2014 is a good year, filled with positive things you want from it.     I just hope you are happy and healthy.

Take Care, xxx

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6 responses »

  1. Wow I didn’t realise you’d encountered all those problems at the beginning of your writing.

    I actually think blog therapy has been much better for me than counselling would have been. A drawback with counselling is that the counsellor may “interpret” what you are feeling wrongly, and also those of individuals around you – after all, they don’t know anyone else in your life personally. By blogging you not only get lots of different people’s perspectives on your own life, you also read about other people’s lives and that can give you encouragement, or just take you out of yourself and think about something different, or give you ideas you would never have had.

    There is something so warm about your blog. I love to read about what you and the family have been doing. It’s interesting seeing the way M and D’s minds work, it’s helpful for those of us who work in education but don’t have such close experience of autistic children. But most of all, I get a warm feeling thinking about how much M and D are loved and what a great job you do with them.

    I hope 2014 brings you happiness.

    • Thank you xx
      I have encounter some lovely people over this year through my ramblings and I have drawn much strength from the interaction. I think if I had recieved face to face therapy I wouldnt have been as honest as I should be, but here I say my bit and its done.
      Thank you for being an important part of my journey, you often help me think outside the box with your comments.
      I wish you a happy, healthy 2014 xx

      • I had a bit of counselling as a teenager and I think that’s a definite problem – for me it was that I wanted to be “OK” and have the counsellor’s “approval” therefore i was definitely self-censoring what I said. Whereas here it’s just an exchange of ideas and sometimes I might read something helpful that makes me see things differently.

        Hope you had a good New Year’s Eve.

  2. Hello,
    I’ve just read your blog for the first time, although we follow each other on twitter I have never taken the step before today to read further.
    I am so glad I did. I think I am where you were last year, I have too reached rock bottom. I thought over Xmas that I was having a breakdown either crying or (I’m ashamed to admit) shouting. It was like I was trying to get my voice heard above all the family crowding into our house expecting as usual being waited on hand and foot by me. When all I wanted to do was enjoy watching my children enjoy Xmas. See them open their presents without thinking when do I have to put the turkey in, seeing them play and discover new toys and crafts whilst all I was doing was fussing round parents and in-laws.
    Yesterday I could not even speak to any of them anymore and my husband took me to the doctor where all I did was cry for 10 minutes. She was very kind and said that they had a very very long waiting list for seeing a councillor but has given me some tablets to help with my stress. I feel so low and bleak and cannot wait for this year to be over. It is so draining looking after my lovely boy, 7 years old with ASD, my husband understands and some friends, but the parents and in-laws, other family and friends don’t really get him or our situation.
    I have not taken the tablets yet but think by reading your blog that maybe that would help me? thank you for your inspiration any hints or best place to get started would be great thank you take care Cathy x

    • Cathy I just want to hug you and tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel and by taking that first step of asking for help you have made a huge leap forward.
      I can only speak from my experience and say once I was honest with myself that I wasnt ok, then I could start to be honest with everyone else.
      As ASD parents I think we believe the hype that we are meant to be superhuman, and we dont forgive ourselves when we screw up. There is a quote I dont know who it is by but it goes something like no mistake is a wasted experience if we learn from it. Its true. Allow yourself to screw up and next time do it differently.
      Only you know if you want to take the pills your GP gave to you.
      My blog is written as ramblings of how we get through each day, both good and bad. We screw up a lot, but it makes life a little more interesting!
      Life can improve, and while I know my darkness is still lurking, I now know it doesnt need to control me, and I can choose to send it back to its corner when it pops its head out.
      My one piece of advise is do this for you and only you. Everyone and everything else will follow but seeing the light is your journey.

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