Falling into the darkness is a horrible feeling.
Everything good around you starts to turn dark, you just can’t stop yourself feeling like that towards it.
Of course outwardly you just carry on as normal, but inside there is nothing positive, just darkness and hatred, mostly targeted at myself.
It is a horrible feeling. There is no controlling it. All I want to do when these feelings take a hold is cry or scream while slapping myself around the head, telling me not to be so stupid. It doesn’t help, but there is nothing that stops the feelings. I know there is an irrationality about my behaviour but that knowledge is not enough to cast it out.
It is a dreadful place to take yourself but there is no control over the journey.
And snap back to it – normality needs to continue. There is no choice but to hide the demons from the world. The postman needs a smile and a thank-you The girl on the checkout in the supermarket doesn’t need to care, so a smile she gets, even if it is a practised one and not a true one. It’s not a case of being ashamed by what’s going on inside my head, it’s just there is no reason to put it on display all the time. It is a part of me, all be it one I don’t much care for.
Where does the darkness end? It never does go all the way away, it lingers waiting to pounce at a moment off weakness. I need my heroes to help me fight by bringing light to my heart. These heroes are of course Hubby and the boys. A hug, a moment, can make such a difference, but only if I’m not wading too far away from the light. I know it can be difficult for them to understand what’s going on with me, especially when I don’t understand myself. It is however good to know there are there for me.
I am terrible when I am given fuss, but there is the line to cross when everything else seems more important and I am pushed to the bottom of the pile of priorities. It just helps to underline the feeling of lack of self-worth.
Those that have followed my blog for a while, know that I write it as self therapy, it has never been about looking for sympathy but more about looking for understanding about the various elements going on in my life. Things that effect me, are not unique to me and if something I say gives a little comfort to someone who may think they recognise a situation, be it about my boys and their conditions or my demons, then that’s good, but mostly I write to help clear my head.
Hopefully talking about the darkness might help bring the light in a little brighter so it doesn’t take a hold. It isn’t a nice thing and one I hope most people never feel for very long.