I have never been good at opening up about whats going on inside my head. I learned at a very young age to keep it to myself if I was in pain or in need because if I asked for help, it wasn’t available as those around me had their own or other people’s problems to worry about. I therefore decided it was better to learn to deal with it myself rather than add rejection to my already pain.
These days, my sense of self-worth is far more on an even keel, and yet I still have a problem with letting people in. I don’t like fuss when I hurt myself, and therefore I think it is often thought I am not in as much pain as I actually am.
Yesterday, I was cleaning out the turtles and I dropped the tank wanter heater. foolishly I tried to catch it, and it smashed onto my hand as it hit the work surface. I cut the ring finger of my right hand quite badly across the lower knuckle. Now, my years in commercial kitchens had me doing the sensible thing when it happened, and I just grabbed a clean tea towel and wrapped it around it really tightly and went to sit down. The boys were watching a movie, with Old person, so I just sat quietly on the sofa. Eventually Old Person asks what was the matter. I told her, and she went to the kitchen to clear up the glass – totally ignoring me and my pain! She then comes back and looks at my finger and puts some tape around it, squeezing it hard. At this point I screamed and tears flowed – I’d been calm until then but the pain when she touched it was unbearable. I wrapped my trusty tea towel back around it and texted Hubby to collect some first aid supplies on the way home from football. The boys came and gave me cuddles. M really gets nervous if he sees me upset, so I try my best not to let him see it. I had asked Hubby to get some strips to seal the wound, but he wasn’t sure what to get and just bought plasters, which he just threw at me when he got home. I then dressed my own finger! Then the moaning started about needing feeding. We were just have left over Chinese take away from Friday night so it just needed heating, but nobody would do it. I therefore fed everyone, and then disappeared upstairs for a lie down.
This morning, it is throbbing, and it hurts like hell if I try to bend it, but it does bend, and I have feeling in the tip so there is no real damage. Hubby let me have a lay in which I thought was kind of him as I had a restless night. However when I came down, nothing had been done. The washing from yesterday was still in the washing machine, and despite it being after 10am, the kids were saying they hadn’t had any breakfast – they were up at 6:30am. I just burst in tears which got looks of disapproval from Old Person.
Now, I am not asking for sympathy. I know I have bought this situation upon myself by having the believe nobody cares if I complain and I should just grin and bare it. I would however expect when I do actually complain that I am in pain, that it would be taken seriously as I don’t complain too often. Silly me for thinking that!
One thing I have realised today is that despite being a lefty, how much I use my right hand. Things as simple as using the computer mouse, or a knife and fork, need my right hand.
I have re-dressed the wound and it looks clean, and there are actually two cuts which I hadn’t realised yesterday. Hopefully it will heal quickly as I am not enjoying this pain every time I try to do something!
For now though, I will just get on with things as best I can!