I am tired.
Yes I do need a full night of uninterrupted sleep, which probably isn’t helping, but I am more mentally frazzled at the moment.
When I get like this, I really worry the darkness will take over, and I have to try really hard not to let it.
I think it is a mixture of things that have led me to this present low feeling, but being able to know when I am heading that way makes it more positive than previous times!
Trying to juggle the needs of so many means that at times, well, in fact most of the time, I forget to think that I need to be in the equation somewhere. I am sure many, if not all, people who care for family, often feel lost in the bigger picture. We have to make sure the needs of those we care for are met so they are happy and comfortable. When you have more than one person needing you in this way, spreading yourself far enough to meet all of their needs can mean that there is not much left for yourself.
Now I am not complaining for sympathy, but instead, I am just saying how things are.
My Mum has at last had a visit from social work. It is something we have waited for for a long time, but better late than never as they say. The lady who came out was lovely. She listened to what we had to say and agreed to arrange respite care for Old Person for next summer. It is a huge relief to think we wont have to cancel another holiday because we had nobody to Granny sit for us – we cancelled 2 get aways this year and ended up taking her with us for another break, which meant it was not very restful for me. The boys are over the moon to know they will definitely be getting a holiday next year – it has been so unfair on them that their Grannies needs have out weighed theirs this year. The social worker also suggested day care respite. Old person was not impressed with this idea, as she doesn’t like spending time with old people because all they do is “moan and complain” – if only she could hear the irony in this comment. She has though agreed to go along to see what its like. I think it will be good for her to interact with other people, even if it means she comes home and has something different to moan about! On a selfish note, it would be nice for a few hours not to have my schedule around making her drinks and food. We will see what excuses she comes up with for not going back once she has had the visit. She was also asked by the social worker if she had anything she wanted to do, and without thinking she said her one ambition left in life is to weigh out sweeties in a shop. I had a phone call from the social worker to say she had spoken to the manager of a local old fashioned sweet shop who has said she would be happy to accommodate this. I suppose it could be great publicity for them, and hopefully a bit of fun for her. I have to phone them and arrange a mutually agreeable time for this, but life has been too full on this week to get a moment to do this.
M is in a really bad place still. His lack of desire to leave the house is bordering on agoraphobia in my opinion. Getting him to school is a major fight every day, and some days I don’t win because he has such terrible panic attacks that he has to recover from them. He has also had several migraines recently. When he was diagnosed as being a migraine sufferer, the doctor did say that she believed they were stress related, so it is not surprising the increase in frequency he suffers with them. I think as a parent, we want our kids to achieve to their full potential, and we therefore know the importance of their education. I do feel that by not managing to get him to school every day, is failing him and his future. His mental health though has to be taken seriously or all the education in the world wont help him in life. Hubby and I have been discussing how to move M forward but until we get his hospital appointment with the psychologist, we are really in no mans land. With only a couple of terms before he moves to the academy we are really worrying about where he should continue his education.
D plods along nicely. He has however had more than a week off. There is a sickness bug that seems to have wiped out a lot of people, and of course D came down with it. He looked like he was on the mend, and then it seemed to hit him again! Its been a long week with him home, as he doesn’t know how to be unwell. By that I mean he tries really hard to keep going and needs constant interaction and company. I therefore get very little done when he is around as he trails after me like a little puppy! Because he doesn’t do the sensible thing and rest to let his body fight bugs though it does mean when his energy level hits the bottom he totally flakes out so I get a few moment of peace – but it never last long.
I think Hubby is also feeling the strain of everything going on in the house at the moment too, as he also ended up with a few days in bed this week. He had a migraine which washed him out for a couple of days, and then just as he was ready to go back to work, he caught the sickness bug and had a night and day with his head over a bucket! I just hope I don’t get it next!
So, all in all, it is quite eventful at the moment in my life. Add to that the starting to get organised for Christmas, and I don’t have that many moments to sort my head out. When it was arranged for Old Person to have some time at day care, I thought it would be nice to have a few less stressful hours, but I had totally forgotten this weekend is a long weekend from school, with there being two in-service days on Monday and Tuesday, so no chance of a quite cuppa for me!
I think that I can now recognise the start of the downward tunnel makes it easier for me to try to divert myself from entering it. I am not quite sure how I will do that but being able to try has to be a positive.
For now, I will take a deep breath and put the kettle on. Drinking coffee is the only thing that keeps me out of prison!!!