I am a huge believer in the old adage, that if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.
This is why I have been quiet here recently. I just haven’t been myself. Or rather I haven’t been the person I like, but instead, my darkness has been rearing its ugly head again.
At times like these I am so grateful for my Hubby. He puts up with a lot when my head just doesn’t want to function in this reality. He gives me enough space so as not to scream too loudly at too many folks, but enough support to help me get back on an even keel. He even empties the dishwasher, and puts the cleaner around! That proves he does know how to do jobs around the house!!
I know one of my major weaknesses is also a major strength, and that is my ability to not let the rest of the world see when I’m feeling low. I perfectly fit the stereotype of the happy fat person, who always has a smile for all she meets! I am glad I have this facade to show the world, because I think I would soon get fed up with all and sundry asking me if I am alright. I know most people when they are feeling unwell, either physically or emotionally, like to get the sympathy, but I just can’t be doing with it. This is probably where my problems started, not letting anyone see what is really going on with me, and bottling it all up, until it bursts big time. Maybe the person who is constantly unloading their problems as they see them has a more stable mental health platform – not sure, just thinking out loud here!
I have one of those face people like to talk to – again the happy fatty image makes me amicable to people. I have always found I can sit on the bus, and within two stops I have heard the full life story of the person sitting next to me, but if it was up to me, I wouldn’t choose to talk to anyone I don’t know! The problem that follows is I am a good listener, and therefore I do genuinely get drawn into what people tell me, so I will ask relevant questions, and while never actively giving advise – I wouldn’t dream of adding my warped ideas to someone elses life, I feel because they have thought enough to share with me, I should care enough to pay attention – there are obviously time when someone is talking away, I know I haven’t heard a thing and in my head I am screaming for them to shut up because I have enough on my plate already, but I just nod and smile in the hopes that is what they are wanting!
I suppose, you could say I collect people. That might seem an odd way of putting it, but friends I have are very deeply imbedded in my life, and my ridiculous mind, means I remember conversations I had with some of them from as far back as school days! Thanks to social media, I have managed to stay connected with old friends from school and even though many of them I haven’t seen in a lot of years, having them there is a great grounding. I also have many people I have worked with. The poor sods just can’t get rid of me! Even though I was their boss in many cases, we became friends, and over the years, they are like family – only nicer!!!! I am grateful for the support and friendship they have all offered me, because they understand when I shut myself away, and then when I’m back full on!
I think what I’m trying to say in all this waffle is I’m lucky. I realised this when someone I have a nodding acquaintance with told me of a horrible time she was going through – I’m not going into details as I’m not about gossip, and it made me realise that I have a loving family, I have lovely friends, both near enough to drink copious amounts of coffee with, and those that know me well enough from the past to send me cheeky things online to put a smile on my face.
We don’t tell those around us often enough how important they are in our lives, and I think that is sad. I know we would probably be arrested if we rushed up to some people and flung our arms around them and told them how much they mean to you, but maybe if we gave a smile to people we see in the street – it might make someones day. Maybe when you say “How are you?” don’t just expect the answer to be they are ok, but genuinely listen to whats said. I might sound like I’m being simplistic, but just maybe if we took a few seconds out of our day to think about someone else rather than ourselves we would not just improve someone elses day, but our own. It’s just a thought. To receive a smile has to be a wonderful gift we can get, and to pass it on has so many rewards it is definitely worth it.
If you ask me how I’m doing, I would reply, I’ve dipped into darkness recently but, like the weather, I am brightening up, and hoping to return to full sunshine soon!
Thanks for reading, I genuinely do appreciate you spending a couple of minutes of your day with me.