As a Mum, you would do anything for your kids. For me, they are my life. It is though, really easy to lose the person you are other than the role of Mother.
Last night was a prime example of making me feel invisible.
The boys – all three of them, were playing Mario Kart yesterday evening, so I took the opportunity to sneak upstairs to watch Strictly Come Dancing – most of this series I have had to watch on I-player to keep up with it. I managed to see all of that, and there were happy sounds coming from downstairs, so I flicked through the channels, and there was the greatest Christmas movie ever – Miracle on 34th Street – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110527/. I like the 1947 version having seen it many times growing up – my Dad was a huge film buff so we watched many old black & white films in my youth. However, the 1994 version with Lord Attenborough as Santa, out plays it like nobody could have surely imagined when it was made. He looks like how we imagine Santa to be, round, happy, with an amazing smile. It is a beautiful film, that I remember reading when it was made, they were so convinced it would melt hearts, they would refund the ticket price of anyone who wasn’t moved by it when they went to the cinema to see it - if I remember rightly, they had less than 2000 tickets returned which was a tiny proportion of the people who had seen it!
Any way, the film was only half an hour in, when I go company. Loud, company. M had had enough downstairs and decided to watch a movie upstairs. Within minutes D and Hubby appeared, and switched the telly over, putting on a DVD. My protests that I was watching something fell on three pairs of deaf ears. M then pushes me out-of-the-way on the bed, so he could get into it. I felt totally invisible, as I got kicked and pushed, and ignored. If Hubby was watching some sport or Star Wars thing, they wouldn’t dream of this level of ignorance, but for some reason, they seemed to think it was acceptable to treat me in this way. To say I was miffed by it was an understatement that wasn’t helped by the fact the movie they put on was the Tigger movie which I really don’t like! I could have had a row with them, but thought it wasn’t worth it just before bedtime, instead I sat there being kicked.
At bedtime, I was with D, and was not happy when I got in to cuddle him. He then flings his arms around me and tells me that he loves me. Now, how can I possibly be annoyed anymore! When he looks at you with his puppy dog eyes with his long eyelashes, it can’t not melt your heart. My mood lifted, and I felt a little guilty for being grumpy with them.
Now, I know we all have times when we feel our worth is not being appreciated. I do wonder some days if the only time they would notice I’m not there would be if their food wasn’t put in front of them at the right time!
If I am honest though, I have made this situation for myself. I am not trying for sympathy or really feeling sorry for myself, just thinking why certain things happen. Most of the things that annoy me about family life are as a result of me wanting a quiet life, and deciding that many things just aren’t worth the battle. I rarely choose what to watch on the telly – when the kids are about, it is their channels, and of an evening Hubby is in control of the remote. I have got so used to not choosing what I watch, that when I do have the chance to watch anything – like when Hubby is at evening football, I still end up watching the things he would choose because it’s just what we do! My one thing I do insist on watching is Doctor, on BBC1 at lunch time – http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006mh9v. I do however record it, and catch up when I can. I am about two weeks behind in it at the moment! It is my guilty pleasure!
I think getting the perfect balance between what is best for everyone else and what is best for yourself can often be a very thin line to walk, and most of the time I am happy with my balancing act. However some days when you are obviously being taken for granted, all you want to do is scream and do something really selfish. Most of the time though the scream stays inside the head, maybe if I exploded more often it might be noted, but I doubt it.
Hubby knew I was fed up when I came back from settling D, and Back to the Future had just started on Sky Family, and so we sat and watched that. It is a film in my top ten all time loved movies. I will maybe just have to watch Miracle on 34th Street this afternoon while the boys are over at Hubbys Mums, after all, it’s never too early in the year to be watching a Christmas movie.