I know I let things get on top of me, I always have. I suppose it’s just part of who I am, the one who everyone leans on. Unfortunately those of us like this, often get to the point that with too much pressure we start to fall, and for me, that is where my darkness becomes to creep in. I am extremely lucky with Hubby. He is understanding, to the point that even that can be slightly irritating when I’m heading to my dark place!
As someone who puts on the persona of the fat happy person, its been difficult to let people know that behind this, I am often crying. I do believe that crying can burst the pimple of emotion and relieve things long enough to put them in prospective.
Yesterday, I got to the point that I couldn’t take it – I will explain more momentarily, anymore, and went to the kitchen and burst into tears. I couldn’t stop myself, and when Hubby came through, I just unloaded how I was feeling overwhelmed by everything that’s going on in my life at the moment. Subsequently, I have been far more rational and much more able to take things in my stride today. After hitting rock bottom a few years back, I should have learned that bottling things up was not the answer, but alas, over 40 years of hiding my emotional state it’s still hard to let it out before I really have to.
So why have I been feeling so down?
I might suggest you read any of my previous posted about what has been happening with my Mum over the past couple of months for the full back story.
Since she was released from hospital, there has been no help or assistance what so ever. We do have an excellent GP fighting her corner, and he has reviewed her notes and made a lot of phone calls to get people to do something to give her a quality of life that she deserves, rather than basically having been told to go home and wait until you die. He has managed to get her orthopedic surgeon to agree to meet with her and discuss what is possible to be done to reduce her pain and increase her mobility – the GP says having looked at her x-rays, he is surprised she can walk at all as her hip is totally messed up. She has received a letter to offer her an appointment for this, at the end of January – another 2 months wait.
When she was released from hospital we were told that occupational therapy would be out to assess her needs within 2 days. We have seen nobody, and then a letter arrived to say her case is on the waiting list to be reviewed, and it will be 3 – 6 months before anyone would be out to see how she is coping and what she might need – the GP has said she needs a stair lift immediately as me lifting her feet as she goes up the stairs to bed isn’t safe for her or me! He also said getting her a wheel chair would mean she would be able to get out of the house, she is too scared to try that at the moment as walking the handful of yards to the loo and back totally wipes her out for a while, so we wait for that too. Everything is a long wait and a fight it seems.
She wasn’t well in the week, and had a couple of bathroom related accidents, which I of course had to clean up, and I think this was the final straw for me. I know she can’t help it, and this is why I try really hard not to make her see how frustrated I sometimes get, but when it just seems to be swamping you, what can you do? She apologised to me for being such a nuisance – you can only imagine the guilt I felt for feeling sorry for myself when she said that.
I feel terrible for thinking, that at no point since she was in hospital has anyone actually asked me if I would mind taking care of her – she’s my Mum, and of course I will do whatever I can to make her comfortable, but I do feel I am being taken for granted, with no thanks for doing it. I wonder how this would have played out, if I had worked fulltime out of the house? I know there are so many people in the country, and the world with a burden far harder to live with than mine, and I feel very guilty for moaning about whats going on at the moment, but letting it out, means it’s not festering away in my head making me into a vile person to all I encounter.
So this is why I cried yesterday. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I think the worry is it makes you resentful, and I don’t want to end up feeling like that towards my Mum.